In Beyond Survival, I wrote a chapter dealing with the subject of forgiveness and asked the question, “Is it possible to forgive AND forget?” Or is forgetting even the goal? As 2022 ends, I’ve found myself taking an inventory of the past twelve months and making sure I’ve not left any ‘unfinished’ business relationally. None of us can escape offenses, hurt, or being done wrong. So, what is the key to not becoming a bitter and resentful person? Forgiveness. There is no short cut. Proverbs 19:11 (NIV) says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” In other words, there are times that it is better to overlook something offensive that someone did to you or to forgive a wound they imposed on you than to continue to carry the offense and let it fester inside your heart.
Unforgiveness is self-defeating
It’s been said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Unforgiveness is self-defeating. Forgiveness on the other hand is freeing and a fundamental Bible truth. Jesus said in Matthew 6:15 (NIV), “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” There are some people who have survived such unimaginable heartache that it almost seems unjust to ask them to forgive their oppressor. Please know that forgiveness does not minimize the offense. Brennan Manning said, “Only reckless confidence in a source greater than us can empower us to forgive the wounds inflicted by others.” God’s eraser is forgiveness. It is how He wipes the slate clean. I’ve heard it said that forgiveness is choosing to not collect on a debt that is owed you. If you’re struggling in this area, make the decision today to cancel the debt and erase the offense through forgiveness.
Don’t be confused, forgiveness is not something you feel, it is something you do. It is a decision you make and eventually you will feel the emotional response. Don’t wait to forgive until you ‘feel’ like it. It may never happen. Just do it. It’s like a breath of fresh air, and incredibly freeing not to have to carry around the weight of unforgiveness.
Being wounded vs. being wronged
But let me point this out - It’s important to make a distinction between being wounded and being wronged. Both scenarios require forgiveness. If someone wounded you, said hurtful things about you, you must forgive them. If they wronged you, maliciously devised a plan to harm you, you must forgive them. Being wounded is not necessarily intentional. Being wronged is intentional. If you’ve been wounded, it will take time to heal from the wound. If you’ve been wronged, you may need to step back and examine your relationship with the one who wronged you. If it’s not a healthy relationship and you feel that they’ll continue to wrong you and intentionally harm you, you do not have to continue in that relationship. You get to set the boundaries and only allow them in your life to the extent that it can be a healthy relationship for you.
Sever toxic relationships
I’ve been wounded in my life and through forgiveness and time, things got better. On the other hand, I’ve been wronged, my character has been defamed and slanderous things have been said about me. In those instances, I had to step back and examine my life and those that wronged me. For me, I easily concluded it was an unhealthy relationship and I chose to no longer associate with those people that wronged me. There may have been a time that they added to my life, but not now. Their actions inflicted tremendous pain. The wisest choice I could make was to end the relationship. The Bible says in Proverbs 12:26 (NIV), “the righteous choose their friends carefully (wisely).” The wisdom in this scripture is that you are in the driver’s seat when it comes to allowing people into your inner circle of friendships and relationships. Don’t allow bitterness to arise in your life because you failed to sever a relationship that was toxic.
I love the writings of Brennan Manning and have several of his quotes on sticky notes like this one: “The unwounded soul bears no resemblance to Jesus.” And “In loves service, only wounded soldiers can serve.” Jesus was a man acquainted with sorrow and grief. This is the Jesus I can relate to. At this stage of my life, I still have some wounds, you probably do as well. One day, a pastor friend that I work with said to me, “thank you for bearing your wounds so others can find healing.” I had to write that one down. That is 100% how I want God to use my pain – to bring healing to others.
Forgiving doesn't mean the injury never occurred - it means the damage no longer controls your life!
However, scars are easier to talk about than to show. Rarely do we see wounds that are in the process of healing. We stitch them up, put a Band-Aid over them, or wrap them with gauze. No one wants to see an open wound. They need to be cleaned, disinfected, moistened with an antibiotic, and covered for some time. Through patience and time, the wound begins to heal and eventually, it can be revealed so others can begin to see the damage. What remains is a scar. The same is true in our lives. Once we’ve been wounded, we must take time to heal. The scar is there to remind you that you were once hurt. There was a time that I realized God was going to allow me to go through a hurtful and painful situation. During that season, I felt like I was bleeding to death and wasn’t sure I could ever heal. I remember praying one night, “Lord, will you please stop the bleeding, but leave a scar? I want to forever remember what this feels like so I can be more empathetic to wounded and broken people.” And through the process, I realized that forgiving didn’t mean the injury never occurred. It meant the damage no longer controlled my life.
"Thank you for that experience."
True forgiveness is when you can say, “thank you for that experience.” That’s our goal in forgiveness – to come to a place of healing where we embrace the good that came out of it more than we think of the wrong that was done to us. I heard DeVon Franklin once say that we are only “in control of two things: how we prepare for what might happen and how we respond to what has just happened. The moment things actually do happen belongs to God”. At this stage of the game, I’m more concerned with what is happening in me, and not to me. I want to be a person of character and integrity that responds in love to what happens. In the end, what matters is the good we did, not the good we expected others to do.
What's better than forgetting?
Remembering and having no pain!
I heard Pastor Rick Warren once say, “People talk about forgiving and forgetting but there’s something better than forgetting and that’s remembering and having no pain.” And so that’s the answer to my initial question, “Can you forgive AND forget?” The answer is “yes”, you can forgive and forget. But what’s better is having the ability to remember without having any more bitterness or pain associated with the memory. Make that your goal. Our memories are a powerful force. How can a memory continue to hurt you? It’s already happened, there are no surprises. It only hurts because you’re giving your attention and thoughts to it. It torments you because you don’t like your new reality. If you’ll stop rehearsing the hurt, the pain will subside. I believe God can heal our hurtful memories. Like wounds, perhaps scars remain once you’re healed and maybe you don’t entirely forget, but you can remember without the pain.
Let’s go into the new year having forgiven anyone that has harmed you and begin the year free from any bitterness, resentment, or wounds. Embrace the power of forgiveness by going to the Lord in prayer now. He already knows your hurts and He is waiting to wipe the slate clean and take that burden from your shoulders.
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